Imperfect
by spockandawe
Summary: Amon and his Lieutenant decided to take things to the bedroom, but neither of them exactly knew what they were doing.
1. Chapter 1

That first night... was not good. It ended with Amon in enough pain to have lost all interest in anything sexual and with his Lieutenant so frustrated he had to slip away to the bathroom to finish what the two of them had started. That wasn't even the worst part. The worst was the following day. His Lieutenant had already left by the time Amon woke up, and he was almost ready to believe that they could pretend nothing had happened. Well, the twinge he felt with every step meant that couldn't be the case. It was almost impossible to walk without limping, and it didn't get better as he tried to get ready for the day. He struggled with morals versus pain for quite some time before he finally surrendered and healed himself before getting dressed and joining the other Equalists for breakfast.

Unfortunately, the first person he met was his Lieutenant. Worse still, there were at least twenty other people in the room and he would have sworn every single person was watching the two of them. The mask was often an annoyance, but here it was a blessing. From the look on his face, his Lieutenant felt just as horribly embarrassed, and hopefully nobody else could distinguish the way his cheeks flushed pink. They managed to stammer through their 'good mornings' and carefully stayed away from anything even close to conversation.

That continued for several days and it never got better. When he could think about it calmly, Amon would almost have laughed at the lengths he went to in avoiding his Lieutenant. Most of the time, he was caught between frustration that he'd sacrificed an amazing friendship for the sake of a night of pleasure and mortification that the pleasure that night had promised had never materialized. He still hadn't forgotten how it hurt, but it was almost worse to remember the way his Lieutenant had practically stumbled over himself trying to apologize again and again for the pain.

They had to meet and speak sometimes, of course. They were the two leaders of the revolution and it never would have been possible to stay entirely apart. With practice, it became easier to hide the embarrassment from any watching eyes. But Amon was never sure when those feelings faded away and he began to feel that same pull that had attracted him to his Lieutenant in the first place. It was just as distracting as it had been before. He'd be watching the way the man's muscles shifted under his clothing and lose the thread of his conversation. He'd catch himself staring at those remarkable icy blue eyes. Sometimes he'd even remember the way those lips had felt when they pressed against his.

In his own time, Amon was able to make discreet inquiries as to how two men might go about sleeping together. It was an education. Really, he wasn't sure they'd done _anything_ right. There was much more to things than he'd ever imagined. Lube, for instance, seemed rather important. It made plenty of sense now, but it would have been wonderful to know about it earlier. Even with the little he knew now, it was mortifying to think of how woefully unprepared he had been before.

It took some time to persuade himself to approach his Lieutenant. When he put his hand on the man's arm and felt him stiffen, it was almost enough to make him give it up entirely. Still, he was there, and he might as well see it through. It could hardly be any more embarrassing than what they'd already done. Amon's voice was admirably steady as he mentioned that he had something in his room that he'd like to show his Lieutenant that evening. It was exactly the same as the first time. Surely he couldn't mistake his meaning.

Amon was certain his Lieutenant couldn't see how red his cheeks were behind the mask, but as the man peered into his eyes he wasn't sure how much he could read there. He turned and put a hand on Amon's shoulder and began to politely decline. For one awful moment, Amon was convinced that the experience had been so miserable that he'd never want to sleep with him again. But after a minute, as his Lieutenant continued to apologize through his refusal with carefully guarded words, Amon realized that wasn't the problem. He was turning him down because he didn't want to hurt him again.

That was enough to make him laugh before he pulled himself back under control. He reassured his Lieutenant that no, he'd learned some things that would be well worth the time. He leaned just a hair closer and gave him a quick caress before backing away again. The man asked again if he was absolutely _certain -_ Yes. He was quite certain. His Lieutenant bowed low, and Amon was sure that he didn't mistake the warmth in his voice when he said he'd be happy to come to his room tonight. That was all they could safely say outside the privacy of their quarters, but it was enough. After weeks of avoiding his company, it was all he could to tear his eyes away from his Lieutenant. This evening couldn't come quickly enough.


	2. Chapter 2

The excitement of earlier had been buried under a wave of anxiety as the day wore on toward evening. Amon wanted this. There was no question about that. But it was impossible to forget how badly the two of them had done the first time. It should be better now. It should. He just couldn't shake the feeling that he'd missed something crucial and this night would be as painful as the last one had been. Or perhaps his Lieutenant didn't _actually_ want any part in this, he just wasn't willing to say no when Amon asked him to bed.

It only got worse as the time dragged on. Amon had gone straight to his room after dinner. He told himself that there wasn't anything else he needed to take care of, but he knew just how much of a lie that was. He stood all of the little bottles he'd bought on the bedside table, swept all but one into a drawer, then set them all out in need rows again. No, that wasn't right either. He artfully disarranged them and was just considering putting them all back into the drawer when he heard the knock. Amon actually jumped and felt an intense rush of relief to know that nobody was here to see him act like this. He took a deep breath, tried to center himself, and answered the door.

His Lieutenant stepped inside, and Amon found himself blushing behind the mask and trying not to meet his eyes as he closed the door. Had he imagined the way the man's gaze had locked onto the bedside table? The bottles? He made himself busy with locking the door, straightening his clothing, smoothing away nonexistent wrinkles. It was his Lieutenant who made the first move, stepping in close and placing a tentative hand against the porcelain mask.

At least there was no need for that here. This was the one person in the world Amon could trust with that secret. He nodded a yes to the unspoken question, and his Lieutenant pushed back his hood and reached around to untie the cord. There was no hiding after that. Their eyes met as the mask fell away and they were frozen for one long moment before Amon turned and took a few quick steps to the bed.

His Lieutenant followed more slowly. Amon sat down and launched into the speech he'd practiced about the lubes he'd bought and the differences between them- His voice trailed off into nothing as his Lieutenant sat beside him and took his hand.

"We don't have to worry about that. We don't. All I want to do tonight is make sure that you're happy."

Amon was just beginning to say that was all _he_ wanted too, but his Lieutenant was bending down to him and there were much better things to do with his mouth than talk. Kissing was familiar territory. It wasn't anything new, but it was just as pleasant as it had been before. It was so easy to lose himself in the feeling of his Lieutenant's lips against his, to simply shut his eyes and lean into the touch.

They moved slowly at first. It was some minutes before his Lieutenant reached up to put a hand at the back of his neck, pulling him closer. It escalated quickly from there and it wasn't long before they were lying together with his Lieutenant on top of Amon, pressing him down into the sheets. Both his hands were on Amon's cheeks, holding him like something beautiful and delicate as he kissed him.

He hadn't felt anything like this before. Had it been like this last time? It couldn't have been. Surely there wasn't anything that could compare to this. He clutched desperately at his Lieutenant's shirt, wrapping his legs around the other man's and grinding up against him. They both groaned at that contact, and his Lieutenant gave him one last quick kiss before sliding down the bed to kneel by his waist.

He bent down low over the bulge in Amon's pants, palming him and smiling quietly to himself. When Amon realized what he meant to do, he propped himself up on his elbows. "That's not- I don't-" When his Lieutenant bent to kiss him through the fabric he lost his words for a moment as his head spun. "I want to feel you inside me-"

His Lieutenant's eyes were serious as he looked up at him. "Later. I'm not going to jump right into that and hurt you again like the last time. I don't want to do that to you again. We'll see how things work out, but I'm going to make sure that you enjoy yourself first."

He wanted to argue, but he couldn't bring himself to stop his Lieutenant as the man deliberately undid his belt and pants, one fastener at a time. Amon was transfixed as he slowly, slowly inched the pants down his legs. He'd thought that mouth had felt good before, but that was nothing to this. Mortifyingly, he heard himself whimper as his Lieutenant took him in and blushed furiously when he felt him chuckle against his cock.

His Lieutenant was not very sure of himself. He was hesitant and uncertain, his eyes locked on Amon's face as he moved against him. Amon didn't care. The sight of those lips wrapped around him was far and away the most erotic thing he'd ever seen. Everything about it was more than he could have imagined. The way his Lieutenant's moustache brushed across his thighs, the way he could feel his tongue slide against him when he moved. It was all too much. In an embarrassingly short amount of time, he was pressing himself deep into his Lieutenant's mouth, grasping at his hair, his shoulders, anything he could reach as he came.

As soon as he could speak again, Amon began apologizing for finishing so quickly and stammered promises that he'd make it up to him. His Lieutenant just waved him off as he licked his lips. "Amon. There is an entire night ahead of us." He stretched out beside him on the bed, brushing a stray hair back from his forehead. "We have plenty of time for whatever you want."

This kiss was slow and gentle. There was nothing of the urgency from before. Amon blindly fumbled for his Lieutenant's hands, and found them likewise searching for his. They held hands as the kiss stretched on. How long had it been before Amon felt his body again responding to the other man's touch? Thirty minutes? Forty?

His Lieutenant noticed the change almost as soon as Amon did, and could feel him smile into the kiss. But Amon was determined not to let him set the pace of the entire evening. He pulled his hands free to begin undoing the buttons on his Lieutenant's shirt and slid a leg in between his thighs, carefully pressing it against him. He could hear his breath catch at that contact, and it was his turn to smile.

His Lieutenant was only too happy to shrug off his shirt, and as soon as his arms were free he bent to return the favor. He ground down again Amon's thigh as he worked, and Amon was fairly certain he didn't mistake the growing flush on his cheeks. It was simple to kick off his own pants, but his Lieutenant had to pull away to feel undo his own belt and slip out of the clothing.

As soon as they were both naked, they slid back together. Every touch of skin against skin felt electrifying, and the insistent hardness pressing against his leg sent a little shiver up Amon's spine. He reached down to caress him, just to see the way his Lieutenant shut his eyes and bit his lip. There wasn't anything calm about the way they kissed now. It was hot and hungry and messy, and there was no doubt that it wasn't enough to satisfy either of them.

His Lieutenant was the one to break away and roll over to grab the lube from the bedside table. Amon heard bottles scatter and go rolling away on the floor as the man turned back with one held in his hand. He began to rise to his knees, looked helplessly at Amon, the bottle, and back to Amon. Finally he stammered, "You'll have to tell me what to do. I want this to be right for you."

Amon had to take a moment to collect his thoughts. He reached up to undo the lid, tossing it off to the side. "You'll have to stretch me out first. With your fingers. That's part of why it was so painful last time." He got up on his hands and knees. "I don't really know how much lubrication we'll need, but I'm sure it's better to use too much than too little."

His Lieutenant began to pour the lube over his fingers, then paused. "Do you have to be like that? In that position?"

"What do you mean?"

He blushed furiously and looked away. "I- If I could, I'd rather see your face-"

Amon felt his cheeks go hot and slowly turned onto his back. "I don't see why not," he whispered.

The first finger was carefully, slowly inserted. His Lieutenant's eyes didn't leave his for a second. Amon was determined not to show any pain, no matter how bad it was, but he hadn't expected the difference the lube would make. Rather than gritting his teeth and trying to bear it, he found himself urging his Lieutenant to add another finger.

It was a strange feeling. There was no doubt about that. He was being stretched and filled, and he was constantly aware of every smallest movement of those fingers inside him. It wasn't entirely painless, but it was certainly nothing like the last time. He could feel his breath coming faster and himself getting harder, and it wasn't long before he was begging his Lieutenant to just give him everything.

It took some time to persuade him. No matter what he said, his Lieutenant was determined not to go too quickly, like he had done before. But Amon felt certain he wouldn't be able to hold out for long. Amon was right.

As his Lieutenant poured more lube over himself, Amon had to constantly reassure him that yes, he'd tell him to stop if it was too painful. No, he wouldn't push himself too hard. But his Lieutenant's eyes still looked sick and worried as he positioned himself and began to press forward.

This did hurt. It was nothing compared to that first night, but it was definitely worse than the fingers. His Lieutenant could see it in his face and tried to back away, but Amon locked his legs around his back and pulled him deeper. The noise he made was somewhere between a gasp of pain and a moan of pleasure, and his Lieutenant froze, hunting for some clue as to what he should do.

Amon managed a strangled, "Keep going." When his Lieutenant still hesitated, he reached up to grab his arms. "I'm fine. I promise. The only thing that will make me unhappy is if you dare stop now." The pace at which the other man eased forward wasn't quite as fast as he could have wanted, but he lay back and shut his eyes, basking in the sensation.

When he was finally buried in him, his Lieutenant bent forward and carefully kissed him. "Amon, I'm not moving until you've at least had a chance to adjust. I don't care if you say it isn't bad, I know it's still hurting."

It was true. He couldn't argue with that. They lay that way for some time, his arms around his Lieutenant's back as he kissed down Amon's neck and chest. He tried to think relaxing, calming thoughts, tried to meditate the pain away. It wasn't too long before he gave into the urge to move against him. The pleasure definitely outweighed the ache, and he couldn't fight it anymore.

His Lieutenant looked carefully into his face, but whatever he found there seemed to satisfy him. He pulled slowly out, then thrust back in, still watching Amon's eyes. Amon couldn't even find it in him to maintain a facade of perfect enjoyment anymore. Every smallest movement his Lieutenant made inside him was so overwhelming that he was certain his face reflected exactly what he felt. All he could do was pull the other man closer and beg for more.

He certainly got it. His Lieutenant went faster and faster, and as he moved he bumped against something inside Amon that made him cry out and clutch at his shoulders. He hit it again and again, and Amon sobbed as he came, burying his face in the other man's neck and wrapping his arms around his back. It wasn't long before his Lieutenant came with a strangled, "_Amon!_" He buried himself deep and shook with the force of his orgasm, collapsing forward over Amon's chest.

They both lay there, breathing hard for a few long minutes. His Lieutenant was the first to recover enough to lift his head, and he closed the distance between them for one more long, sweet kiss. They were both reluctant to separate from each other, and pulled apart only long enough to crawl underneath the sheets and back into each other's arms.

Amon felt like he should say something, but he couldn't think of anything to do the moment justice. His Lieutenant didn't speak either. They lay together in silence, with everything that they needed to say communicated in looks and soft touches. Their hands found each other's under the blankets, and Amon's last memory before falling asleep was the feeling of his Lieutenant's fingers twined with his.


End file.
